"I'm leaving on a jet plane. Dont know when Ill be back again." I have already packed my 2 suitcases, so I can relax a little bit on my last day. Today, I will only go to the supermarket one more time to buy some Dutch treats for my girls. It's going to be bittersweet at the airport for sure tomorrow, but sometimes you have to take your chances in life and follow your heart.

I don't know when I'll be back again. It's going to be drastic this time though. It could be my last year since I will receive my certificate in May 2009 or it could be the start of many more years in The USA. I levae it all up to fate and on what I accomplish there. I have many plans for The USA and in case I decide to go back to Holland or that I have to, I know eactly what I'm going to do here.

These are the times that I hope for the best and when I wonder alone at the airports and sit on a plane by myself...I look outside the window and hope that it will all be worth it and that a guardian angel will watch over me on this journey to accomplish my dreams.

Take care and wish me luck.     

I haven’t been THIS busy in a very long time! Time is going by so fast. I’m very tired but other than that I’m doing great. I’m sad about a certain someone but I don’t want to talk about it.   I’m very excited about The European Cup of soccer. Holland is doing an amazing job. I get so pumped every game!

 Life in Norman has opened my eyes. There, I lived the life I had always dreamed of, but the hardest thing was that I also realised that I need to change in some ways. Part of it has to do with adapting to the American culture and another part is self-improvement.  I’m not afraid to admit that! I’ve behaved in such terrible impersonal and distant ways. My life the past 5 years, has been anything but ordinary and that has shaped me in a certain way….

I’m ready to settle down more in one place now and I’m about to completely commit myself to my life in The USA. It gives me the strength to change. The last time I’ve mentioned how I need to stop “the distant” and the “do not get attached” thing. Besides that, I’m also going to work on showing my vulnerability more….

 I don’t share my deep feelings often and when I finally do, I have the tendency to later back out of it and deny I felt that way or to never talk about it ever again. I especially do that when I don’t get the respond I expect. It’s terrible! I also find it hard to show affection in public or show others how crazy I am about someone. Part of it has to do with escaping from getting attached, but I also need to learn how to be patient. It’s not always “now or never”. Some things take and need time, especially when it comes to love. Sometimes it takes longer for one person to see and feel what you already know inside. I should know!  

This summer will be such refreshment.  I think it’s better to be late to realise certain things than to never realise it at all. I don’t think I’m too late though. I’ve only just found out what I really want with my life! I’m ready to let others become part of my life now and to love them. And my heart?….my heart still belongs to the one who used to make me the happiest girl in the world and who has made The United States feel like home. I hope he truly knows that and can feel it...

Have a great week everyone. Be safe!    

I'm back in Holland. My flight back to OK is all booked and paid for. I've decided to not go home for Christmas Break. I'm going to devote my time completely to my life in Norman. I'm going to spend Thanksgiving in Dallas and we'll see what I'll do this Christmas Break. I love surprises!! I imagine it's going to be spend with friends, maybe together with a BF and at someone's home, I'm sure of that.

Two days ago, I had a true revelation. A friend of mine revealed something to me that I had not realised before and it touched me so much. It was such an eye-opener! It was a moment like earlier this year, when my roommate let me know how much I mean to her and she had tears roll down her face. I was so touched and surprised. It's the distance that I create, that make me to do not realise these things and especially not expect it...

I've become this distant since after my first year in The USA, when I had to go back home and leave my life there behind. It was so extremely HARD for me that since then I've never lived my life with so much heart and love into it as before. I don't let things get close anymore and I do not get attached to what life brings me. Even the room I lived in last semester, I seriously left it as undecorated as it could be without even realising. My friends always commented about how "empty" my room was. Could they have seen the reflection in that? Practical thinking and my career goals is what I use as my safety net. I know, I've hurt many people/friends because I don't take it to the heart what they tell me. People see me smile and joke and think I don't believe them. It's absolutely awefull!

However, last semester I've slowly started to take steps into the right direction already. This semester is going to make it all complete! I'm not going to say what exactly I've been doing different but I know that my closest friends there, will notice little by little later on.  All I can say, is that I am so happy and thankful for everything. I've secretly always followed my heart but now.... I'm finally ready to let my heart break free from the big, thick ice-cube where it has been kept cold in for so long.

Take care. Hope you all are enjoying your summer!